Hi friends, and thanks for stopping by to read about the worst city tour I’ve ever taken in Cusco.
When I arrived back in Cusco after visiting Machu Picchu and then horseback riding two days earlier, I wasn’t exactly bursting with energy. I was just planning a quiet morning: a little walk around the historic district, maybe an iced mocha in the Plaza de Armas, and then back to my room.
Instead, I ended up on what may have been the worst city tour I’ve ever taken.
If you’ve spent any time around the Plaza de Armas in Cusco, you know the routine. Every few minutes someone approaches selling city tours. “Bus panorámico!” “City tour!” “Thirty-five soles!” It happens constantly.
This particular salesman seemed to remember me from previous days. Maybe it was the Canadian vibe. Maybe it was my Tilley hat. Whatever the reason, he immediately started speaking English.
“You’re from Canada,” he said.
He told me the panoramic bus tour cost 35 soles and assured me there would be lots of English-speaking passengers onboard. The tour, he promised, would be conducted in both Spanish and English.
Against my better judgment, I said yes.
I paid by credit card. The receipt listed “Bus Panoramico Sightseeing Bus,” while my credit card later showed the charge as Cusco Open Tour.
The moment the salesman had his commission secured, he handed me off to another person for payment processing and disappeared back into the plaza to hunt for the next tourist.
The Promise of an English Tour
Before boarding the bus, I spoke directly to the guide – in both English and Spanish – and told her I preferred the tour in English.
She replied that she would explain things in Spanish first and then repeat them in English. Except, she added vaguely, “the ceremony” would only be in Spanish.
Fair enough, I thought.
Spoiler alert: the entire tour was in Spanish.
Every single word.
And there were no other English-speaking passengers onboard either, despite what the salesman had promised. Everyone else appeared to be Peruvian or from other Spanish-speaking countries.
I was assigned a seat on the upper open-air level near the back of the bus. Almost immediately, the woman sitting in front of me opened an umbrella.
Yes. An umbrella.
It was not raining. Not even close. The blazing Peruvian sun was beating down on all of us equally, but somehow she decided to create a giant visual obstruction directly in front of my face for the entire ride.
I hoped a gust of wind might carry it away.
No such luck.
A Tour Where I Learned Absolutely Nothing
The bus wound through Cusco and stopped at several sites and ruins. I assume they were historically important. I honestly couldn’t tell you much about them because the guide never translated anything into English like she had promised.
I spent most of the time being annoyed that I was wasting my time while only understanding fragments of Spanish here and there.
At one stop – apparently the “ceremony” stop – I wandered back toward the buses and nearly boarded the wrong one.
That turned out to be the best thing that happened all day.
The guide on that tour bus asked me in English, “Do you speak English?”
I told him yes, and he informed me I was about to get on the wrong bus.
I laughed and replied, “Honestly, I wish I was on your bus because you speak English.”
Unlike my own guide.
He kindly took a few moments to explain the site to me. He pointed out the little ceramic bulls sitting on rooftops nearby and explained that they’re meant to protect the home and the people living there.
Ironically, a random guide from another company gave me more useful information in two minutes than I’d received from my own tour all afternoon.
The Best Part of the Tour: The Missing Passengers
Later we stopped at the large white Christ statue overlooking Cusco – Cristo Blanco – for about ten minutes.
After leaving the statue, we hadn’t gone very far before yelling erupted downstairs and the bus suddenly stopped.
Apparently one or possibly two passengers were missing.
Here’s where things got interesting.
The tour staff had not done a head count after the earlier ceremony stop, so nobody even knew when the missing passengers had vanished. Maybe they’d been left behind at the ceremony. Maybe they were still up at the Christ statue. Nobody seemed entirely sure.
The bus then began an awkward multi-point turnaround on a narrow road while irritated cars stacked up behind us.
And honestly?
It was the most entertaining part of the entire tour.
I pulled out my iPhone and started filming video commentary in English while the bus attempted what felt like a six-point turn. I narrated the whole situation like a traffic reporter covering a disaster scene.
“At least one passenger is missing,” I explained into the camera. “And this is the best part of the tour so far.”
I uploaded the video to YouTube because frankly, if I was going to suffer through this tour, I might as well get blog content out of it.
Meanwhile, when we arrived back at the statue, the guide began yelling, “Come here. Get on the bus! Come here!”
One man jumped off and ran back toward the statue searching for the missing tourists. Nobody else returned with him.
For all I know, the missing passengers gave up and called an Uber back to Cusco.
Honestly, I wouldn’t blame them.
The Heated Conversation
After the passenger drama settled down, the guide approached me. She must have overheard my video commentary!
“Did you expect this tour to be in English or Spanish?” she asked in English.
I stared at her for a second because the answer seemed painfully obvious.
“English,” I replied. “I’m Canadian. I speak English.”
Also worth noting: our entire conversation at this point was happening perfectly well in English.
Her response was that she believed my Spanish was good enough to understand the tour.
That may be true for ordering coffee or asking directions.
It is not true for understanding detailed historical commentary delivered rapidly over a loudspeaker on a moving bus in the hot Peruvian sun.
By then I was tired, overheated, annoyed, and very aware that I had paid for something I hadn’t actually received.
And in case anyone is wondering:
No.
I did not tip the guide.
Published by Cheryl @ The Lifestyle Digs on May 30, 2026.
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