Yup, one of the joys of owning a gelding is cleaning his sheath.

And double yup. I never thought I’d write a post about this topic.

It’s all about Bliss with horses!

For my friends who are not horse people. A gelding is a boy horse who has been neutered. His sheath is the part of his anatomy where he pulls his dick inside.

Gelding’s sheath and smegma lesson

Unfortunately a horse’s sheath can get a little stinky and covered with a mucky like substance called smegma. The horse’s penis then gets coated with dry smegma that is flaky and crusty.

It’s the inside section, the sheath, that is tougher to clean. I’ve been elbow deep inside a horse’s sheath, washing it out. Even though I wear rubber gloves, like the kind you get at a hospital, they usually tear or don’t completely protect my skin.

One of the worst parts of horse ownership is the stench of smegma sticks around for a long time. No matter how many times I shower, wash my hands up to the elbows, and apply scented body lotion – I still have eau de smegma!

A little cooperation…

In all my years of owning horses, I’ve only had one gelding who was cooperative about being cleaned in this rather sensitive area. He’d drop his penis so I could check it for beans and rub off dry flakes.

Whistler was such a good boy. All around, best horse ever! RIP my baby.

9 Myths about Horseback Riding

With all my other geldings, if I see their dick out I’d come over fast and check for beans. And yes, I’d have to be fast. Because those geldings are just as fast at whipping their dick back inside!

Why?

So why am I talking about cleaning a horse’s sheath? There are a few how-to articles online and a bunch of YouTube videos giving instructions. I don’t have anything different to offer. Nothing new to add here!

If you’re really curious how it’s done, head to YouTube, type in cleaning a sheath, and prepare to be amazed! Ha ha!

Now for the real reason I’m writing about sheath cleaning. There are funny instructions on sheath cleaning that have been posted online. I’ve linked to this page on other posts.

Then the day comes when my broken link checker tells me to check it. And lo and behold – gone!

Repeat.

Once it’s gone, I have to find another site online with the same funny instructions on sheath cleaning.

The last page I linked to is gone, gone, gone! Grrrr!!! Quit closing your web pages, people!

So what’s a girl to do?

Put up the instructions on her own website so it won’t be lost forever.

Funny take on a messy chore

Let me start off by saying I don’t want to plagiarize and in no way am I claiming to be the creator of the sheath cleaning instructions.

I do not know who the original author of this little gem is. I am more than happy to give credit or link to the original author’s webpage – if they have one. Just give me a shout.

So here goes:

Step 1

Check to make sure there are no prospective boyfriends, elderly neighbours, or Brownie troops with a line of sight to the proceedings. Though of course they’re probably going to show up unexpectedly ANYWAY once you’re in the middle of things. Prepare a good explanation.

Step 2

Trim your fingernails short. Assemble horse, hose, and your sense of humour (plus, ideally, Excalibur cleanser and perhaps thin rubber gloves).

Step 3

Use hose (or damp sponge) to get the sheath and its inhabitant wet. Uh, that is, do this in a *civilized* fashion with due warning to the horse; he is apt to take offence if an icy-cold hose blasts unexpectedly into his personal regions.

Step 4

Now introduce your horse to Mr Hand. What I find safest is to stand facing the horse’s head, with my shoulder and hip snugly against the horse’s thigh and hip so that if he makes any suspicious move such as raising his leg, I can feel it right away and am in any case pressed so close that all he can do is shove, not really kick. The horse should be held by an assistant or by your free hand, NOT tied fast to a post or to cross-ties. He may shift around a good bit if he’s not happy with Mr Hand’s antics, but don’t be put off by that; as long as you are patient and gradual, and stick close to his side, he’ll get over it.

Remember that it would be most unladylike of you to simply make a direct grab for your horse’s Part. Give the horse a clue about what’s on the program. Rest your hand against his belly, and then slide it back til you are entering The Home of the Actual Private Part. When you reach this first region of your destination, lube him up good with Excalibur or whatever you’re using.

If the outer part of his sheath is really grungy you will feel little clods and nubblies of smegma peeling off as you grope around in there. Patiently and gently expedite their removal.

Step 5

Thus far, you have probably only been in the outer part of the sheath. The Part Itself, you’ll have noticed, is strangely absent. That’s because it has retired shyly to its inner chambers. Roll up them thar sleeves and follow in after it.

Step 6

As you and Mr Hand wend your way deeper into the sheath, you will encounter what feels like a small portal that opens up into a chamber beyond. Being attentive to your horse’s reaction, invite yourself in <vbg>. You are now in the inner sanctum of The Actual Private Part. It’s hiding in there towards the back, trying to pretend it isn’t there. Say hi and wave to it.. No, really, work your finger back and forth around the sides of it. If the horse won’t drop, this is your only shot at removing whatever dried smegma is clinging to the surface of the Part itself. So, gently explore around it, pulling out whatever crusty topsoil you find there. Use more water and more Excalibur if necessary to loosen attached gunk.

Step 7

When Mr. Hand and the Actual Private Part have gotten to know each other pretty well, and the Part feels squeaky clean all around, there remains only one task: checking for, and removing, the bean. The bean is a pale, kidney-shaped accumulation of smegma in a small pouch just inside the urethra. Not all horses accumulate a bean, but IME the majority do, even if they have no visible external smegma. So: the equine urethra is fairly large diameter, and indeed will permit you to very gently insinuate one of your slimmer fingers inside the urethral opening. Do so, and explore upwards for what will feel like a lump or “pea” buried no more than, I dunno, perhaps 3/4″ in from the opening. If you do encounter a bean, gently and sympathetically persuade it out with your finger.

This may require a little patience from BOTH Mr Hand AND the horse, but the horse will be happier and healthier once it’s accomplished. In the rare event that the bean is too enormous for your finger to coax out, you might try what I did (in desperation) last month on the orange horse: Wrap thumb and index finger around the end of the Part and squeeze firmly to extrude the bean. Much to my surprise it worked an orange horse did NOT kill me for doing it and he does not seem to have suffered any permanant damage as a result ;-> I have never in my life seen another bean that enormous, though.

Step 8

Now all that’s left to do is make a graceful exit and rinse the area very thoroughly in apology for the liberties you’ve taken. A hose will be MUCH easier to use here than just a sponge and bucket, IME. Make sure to direct the water into the Part’s inner retreat too, not merely the outer part of the sheath. This may require you to enfold the end of the hose in your hand and guide it up there personally.

Step 9

Ta-da, you are done! Say, “Good horsie” and feed him lots of carrots. Watch him make funny faces at the way your hands smell. Hmm. Well, perhaps there is ONE more step…

Step 10

The only thing I know of that is at all effective in removing the lovely fragrance of smegma from your hands (fingernails arms elbows and wherever else it’s gotten) is Excalibur. Even then, if you didn’t use gloves you may find you’ve got an unusual personal perfume for a while. So, word to the wise, do NOT clean your horse’s sheath just before an important job interview or first date….

and of course, there is that one FINAL step…

Step 11

Figure out how to explain all this to your mother (or the kid from next door, or the meter reader, or whoever else you’ve just realized has been standing in the barn doorway speechlessly watching the entire process).

Now, go thou forth and clean that Part!

Published by Cheryl @ The Lifestyle Digs on February 5, 2024.

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